Guess Who?

Recently, I had someone tell me that I am too much. I am too honest, too critical, too deep, too intense. And it's no wonder I couldn't hang on to friends. Yea, I was hurt but not surprised. This person (who will later be named) has always told me my entire life that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough. I will never be loved because of my past, God doesn't love me because I don't go to church, but if I dare go to church, O how they will judge you and God could never love you if you're not perfect. They magnified my flaws to my face, day in and day out, never letting me forget that I'm just not pretty enough. My boobs are too small, my butt is too big, and those hips, are dispraportionate to my tiny frame. You're ugly, you're awkward, you're weird. Why can't you just be more like your sisters Melissa? That's what they would always tell me.

As I got older, the insults and hurtful words got worse. You've sinned so much, you're too far away from God for him to ever reach you again, let alone hear your prayers. God doesn't listen to sinners when they pray. All this pain you're going through is your fault, remember who I told you you were when you were little, your own mother abandoned you, why would anyone else want to be in your life, you're pathetic for even trying. You were born with a disability, you'll never be smart enough to get through college, let alone make something of your life. You'll never be successful like your sisters.

Do you get the point yet? Ready for me to name that horrible person who traumatized me my entire life?

It was me.

You see although I have actually had someone tell me some of these things for most of my life, a lot of it is just me.
I bet you re-read through those two paragraphs just now and realized that you can relate. And I also hope that you are strong enough to tell that awful person to hush up, let me tell you a thing or two bud.

Yes I might be awkward, dispraportionate, too intense at times, and my story isn't a story of success in the worldly sense, but one of tiny accomplishments every day that I consider to amount to a successful day.

I've learned to embrace my flaws and differentiate between the lies I was told as a child, plus the lies I tell myself, and see myself for who God and my husband see me as. Perfectly imperfect.

I hate that I'm so clumsy. But my husband thinks it's just the most hilarious thing in the world. I've learned to laugh at my clumsiness now because, well, it actually is pretty funny. (seriously, I once cut my finger pretty badly with a spoon!)
I still look in the mirror some days and hate my reflection, but my husband looks at me and says, "with a little makeup, you'll get there." Ha, just kidding guys. Had to see if I still had an audience. Moving along.

**See what I did there? I put in something random and funny in the middle of a serious blog post! If that isn't awkward, I don't know what is. But did it make you laugh? I bet it did. If so, then you're the reason I can embrace my awkwardness. I still see my self as awkward but in a fun way. I've learned to be my awkward self and make people laugh, and I get a good chuckle out of it as well. I was once told that I should be a comedian. I told the lady, I am, that'll be $80 please! badum boom! Ok, sorry. I'll be serious now.**

My point is, you are your own worst critic and if you wouldn't want other people to say it about you, then certainly don't say it to yourself!  Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. That to me includes my thoughts as well. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are nothing, not good enough, etc. then that is what we will become. But if we stomp on those lies and see the beauty in who God made us, then O the things we will accomplish.
There is no way I can fully love on Jesus but hate the body he put me in. That's like telling God, hey I know you created me in your image and all, but you're kinda ugly. God your nose is too big, you have way too much cellulite, and your feet are two different sizes! This is unacceptable, you must change to look like everyone else! I HIGHLY doubt we would dare tell God that, so WHY DO WE SAY THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES? (yes I am yelling at you!).

Just take a minute today and write down all of the things that you love about yourself and why. Not what you love that your husband loves about you, or your mom loves about you. Nope, write what YOU love about YOU. You may just be surprised.

-Melissa Out xoxoxoxo

Mother's Day

Today I'm going to share with you a story. A story that I hope you will see as inspirational. For those of you reading, and you know my story, you know that my intentions are not for pity, but to inspire. For those of you reading and you don't know my story, that's ok, I hope this still touches your life in some way.

 I woke up this morning and I read this verse as I always do on Mother's Day and Father's day. My childhood story is not a happy one, I grew up in a very toxic environment that left me a complete shattered mess of a person emotionally, mentally, and physically. And by the time I reached 25 I had decided I had had enough. I haven't spoken to my foster mother in 4 years, or anyone in my family (except my brother and biological mom). Which has actually helped me heal in the most amazing way and I am proud of who I have become and what I have overcome. God has opened my eyes to so many things that I thought were my fault, all the lies I was told growing up, and that my foster mother is a very mentally sick woman. I was able to forgive myself, her, and the rest of my family for the things they did to me. Which is why I can share this blog entry with you.

I used to struggle with Mother's Day. I hated it and I would spend all day feeling sorry for myself and being jealous of everyone that had loving Mothers they can wish a Happy Mother's day to. Why? Mostly because of my childhood, and because when I was 18 my foster mother gave me a huge box full of all my school and baby pictures along with every mother's day card and any other card I ever made for her. Told me, I wasn't really her daughter, so she doesn't want these things anymore. I was devastated. I still have all of that stuff in a box in my garage. I look at it from time to time, mostly on Mother's day.

Well this week, I pulled all of this stuff out as I usually do (I'm a very nostalgic person if you haven't noticed) and I came across this photo and my heart flooded with happy memories and the tears just flowed. I realized Mother's Day isn't about making cards and giving gifts, it's about these two women for me.

So this Mother's Day, instead of thinking about the Mother I never had growing up, I want to tell you about the women God placed in my life to be a Mother to me.

The lady on the left with the beautiful smile and a face that radiates with love and joy....that's my Mama K. Her name is really Kamante (I know, it's a beautiful name). God put her in my life at a very crucial time. I met her at church my freshman/sophomore year of High School and ever since then, she has been a very steady rock in my ever rocky life. She has shown me how to love God and other people. She has prayed with me at the altar, cried with me, helped me to laugh in the face of fear, encouraged me to pursue God's calling on my life, and has loved me even through all the times I messed up. She's always had my back when I thought I was alone, she saw everything I went through at home and was my prayer warrior for God's protection over me, she has opened up her home to me when I had nowhere else to go and has only asked that I never forget my first love, Jesus. If anyone knows my heart, it's this woman. I still go to her for advice to this day, when something good happens, I tell my mama K. I wouldn't be who I am today without her constant prayers. So Mama K, Happy Mother's Day. I love you more than words could ever express. Thank you for opening your heart for this little gal to take refuge in. For inviting me to be a part of your amazing family, and for helping me to not become the very thing that I despise. You are forever a part of my heart and will always be my Mama K.

Now on to the other beautiful lady on the right with the blond hair and the radiant smile. That's my  Mama Edie (and her husband Tim next to her). I also officially met her at the same time I met Mama K, but I saw her at other churches when she would sing as a guest. I loved her voice the moment I heard her sing. And she showed me what real worship was. She is the reason I wanted to follow my heart and be a worship leader. If this woman knows how to do anything, it's to sing praises to Jesus and to worship him. I was there at her son Matt's funeral, she sat in the front row right by his casket. We had his funeral in the church and we had a praise and worship time. During that time, I was on the stage and I looked up during a song, everyone was still sitting but Mama Edie was standing with her arms raised to heaven worshiping God. She was at her own son's funeral and was the only one standing and worshiping. In that moment I saw what worship was really about. It's not about us, it's always about our Heavenly Father and even in our grief we must worship him because he is HOLY. I will never ever forget that moment. It has helped me to worship my Jesus in the very worst of times, and guess what, when I surrender to him and I am engulfed in his presence, my problems and pain disappear. Mama Edie has also been a prayer warrior for me and has opened up her home and her heart for me to take refuge in. You have forever made an impact on my life. So to Mama Edie, Happy Mother's day. Thank you for loving me in spite of my flaws and for bringing me closer to Jesus just by being that example. Thank you for helping me to become better, not bitter. I love you always.

Happy Mother's Day you two. I love you and I would not be who I am without you. You have made a difference in this gals life for the better.
Thank you for loving me and for taking me into your families as one of your own. But mostly, thank you for seeing the beauty in my brokenness, and for helping to piece me back together with your wisdom, encouragement, and love. It's the glue that holds me together to this day.

With all of my love forever,
Your daughter Melissa xoxoxo

Vulnerability

This past week, I took a trip to Keukenhof Holland to see the Tulip festival. Tulips are my absolute favorite flower in the entire world, so being able to be at the Tulip fesitival with the man of my dreams, was an absolute dream come true. Upon being there and visiting the amazing display of tulips, I learned something. The tulips that you see above, the ones with the feathery/frayed flowers, those tulips are actually diseased. I can't remember the name of the disease, but I do remember thinking when I read about it, how beautiful are these tulips. They were vulnerable, caught a disease, and came out on top, becoming my second favorite type of tulip. A very rare, sick, but beautiful tulip indeed. Which got me thinking about the word vulnerable..........



Being vulnerable. What does that mean to you? Well, I suppose it might depend on your current situation, your past upbringing, or who you are currently working on becoming. To me, it means everything. It used to be a word that struck fear into my core. I hated it. I was brought up to be tough and independent. I wasn't allowed to cry, I wasn't allowed to ask for help. So I grew up alone. I learned ALL of my lessons the hard way, I have cried more tears from heart break and disappointment than I could count, I have shoved people out of my life because I knew they would never live up to my expectations and eventually would hurt me. I have lied to everyone that asked me how I was doing because I knew they didn't really care. I've slammed the door (metaphorically) on so many valuable people in my life because they simply let me down.

However, I am nearly 30 and life isn't so hard. I've contemplated why in the world have I had such a good stream of luck in the past few years...surely happiness isn't in God's plan for me. And I have learned one thing. It's because I have chosen to be vulnerable. I have opened up myself to mostly every one I have come across. Nine times out of ten, it backfires on me and I end up the one being hurt. But in my pain, I have come to the conclusion that the people that use my vulnerability against me are hurting far worse than I am. And in turn, when they are ready (if and when) to come back and be my friend again, I will be there for them. Why?, you ask. They hurt you, they took advantage of you, they talk so badly about you! Because they need the love that I have to offer them. They need the love that Jesus has put into my heart to give to them more than I need it. God gave me my husband as my best friend to be there for me on this earth when I really need to refuel, when I really need to be reminded that I am a good person, and I am unconditionally loved. The people that betray me? They don't have that.

They are who I used to be. Hurt, confused, full of fear, needing approval, wanting love. And they show it by hurting others. It's sad, it's unfortunate, it's humanity without God. Do you want to know how I learned all of this? Yes, my amazing husband. We have a mutual friend, one he has known for 11 years, and one I have known for 6 years. I have had the hardest time with them accepting me for me and just being my friend. I had opened up to them (of course when Jose was there) and we bonded, we really bonded. It was great, until it wasn't. They shoved me away, picked fights with me on purpose, and generally tried to shove me out of their life. I was infuriated to the point of tears and I asked Jose why? Why were they punishing me when I didn't do anything to them? I'm never going to open up to them again, that's it, I'm done trying! Being my amazing truthful non biased husband he is, he in turn gave me this gut wrenching advice.

"Mamacita, if you want to make a difference in this person's life, then you have to be vulnerable with them." "You must show them unconditional love, no matter what." Ugh, but I don't want to! They hurt me, bla bla bla. But then I realized he was right. And be vulnerable I did. It actually hasn't made a bit of a difference in our friendship, but in being vulnerable, I learned what Jose was really trying to teach me. Being vulnerable isn't about the results you get with other people, whether it be good or bad. It's about YOU growing as a person and just accepting who you are, character builders (flaws) and all. Once you accept who you are, then the people that reject you for being who you are, really won't phase you. Because you know the harm they cause you is actually a cry for help. What they are really asking is this. "Please don't prove me right." "Please give me one more chance." " I didn't mean it, I just don't know how to accept love, goodness, and kindness."

What they are really saying to me? PROVE ME WRONG! Prove to me that not everyone is the same. Prove to me what unconditional love looks like, feels like, is. So from January 2016 onward I have been nothing but vulnerable, honest, me. And so far, it hasn't really paid off. I've only had disappointments, but many lessons have been learned. So many people need love. So many people need Jesus! If you love someone and you open yourself up to them and you give them your all, and they reject it and it makes you angry, then you have not really loved them have you? Love is not selfish. So the next time you meet someone new, or you give someone in your life another chance, love them. I mean REALLY love them unconditionally for who they are, who they have been, and who you know they can be. Love them like Jesus would. Unconditionally, with no expectations. I promise, it's a win win situation. The Beatles had it right when they said, "All you need is love, love is all you need." And more importantly, the Bible had it right when it said,

 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a]but have not love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

P.s. I actually had to memorize this entire verse when I was in the 1st grade at the Lighthouse Christian school with Mrs. Tallman as my teacher. So it has stuck with me my entire life. (christian school was the best half year of my life, I remember almost everything about it and I loved it).
P.s.s. Never forget where God has brought you from into where you are now. The pain that people cause you, is the very same pain that you have caused someone in your life when you were none the wiser. We are all humans searching for love and acceptance. And Jesus is the ONLY way to show true love and acceptance. More Jesus, less YOU.

There's Only Grace

      To the ones in the fight, never forget that your faith will lead you exactly where you need to be.
Keep your eyes on HIM, not THEM!

Watch as she suffers, look at all her shame. Speak only of her failures; after all she's the one to blame.

Turn your back as she cries out for mercy only to face her in laughter and mock. Make sure you always remind her of all the wrong she's ever done.

"May you never know peace," they say. It's not something you deserve. May you never forget love is not unconditional, it's something you must earn.

She walks with her face downwards, weariness dominates her steps. The voices bellow all around her, "you're nothing but a sinner, your punishment should be death!"

As her heart leads her onward, mercy and grace is what she seeks. Alone she must find him, he said he would bring her peace.

Almost there she can see him, just a few more steps away. She trudges forward to her savior as they all scream, "you must make her pay!"

With her tears flowing freely at his feet she falls. She breaks a small jar of perfume, anoints his feet and begins to wash.

Silently she weeps for mercy as she dries his feet with her hair, so many around her were whispering, but she was much too broken to care.

The crowd suddenly went quite when he lifted her face in his hands. His eyes were so kind and full of mercy as he thanked her for her offering and helped her to stand.

He turned to the crowd and softly asked, why are your curses so loud and your offerings to me so meak? After all it was the sinner, not the saint, that used her tears to wash my feet.

He gave her his peace and mercy and sent her on her way. Too bad this is just a story in the Bible that isn't practiced today.

Where is Jesus in your condemnation? Where is this Saviour of whom you preach? You ignore the speck in your own eye, while too busy pointing your finger at me!

How ironic that you judged me, your hurtful words paved my way. For what you meant to harm me only led me straight to grace.

-Melissa Garcia xoxo

Standing on his promises

It was the summer of 2005. I had just graduated High School, and was on a mission trip in West Virginia with my youth group. We got to witness to the less fortunate, show compassion to the homeless, and grow in God with each other. It was a time in my life that I will never forget.

One particular memory stands out for me at this very moment in my life though. We gathered in the "kitchen" area to do a drama for some folks that had stopped by to be fed, physically and spiritually, when mama K asked me to share a word for these people. I had literally 10 minutes to prepare and I was scared. But I obeyed because I knew she wouldn't have asked me if God had not asked her first.

 So I said God, what am I supposed to say to these people who have lost all hope in life? Who don't know where their next meal will come from, nor do they know where they will sleep tonight. So I ran up to my room and tore open my bible, going through all the scriptures I knew of, NOTHING came to me. I was starting to panic! But then a bookmark fell out of my bible (out of the millions of bookmarks I had in my bible, this one fell out at this moment). It was a graduation gift I got, funnily enough.

I took one look at it and I heard God say THIS is what I want you to speak to these people! So I thanked God for speaking to me and rushed downstairs. I was still scared, but I knew God would give me the words to say and he did. I don't remember what I said, but I will never forget God speaking to me.

This memory came to mind today because I am struggling with my job. I'm struggling with my co worker who doesn't believe in God and is letting the enemy use her to come against me in every way possible. I have anxiety everyday that I have to go to work wondering what will she do to me today? In a constant battle not to burst into tears at the end of a very long day, sometimes even before I open up my email at 7:30 in the a.m. I have anxiety so bad that I am sick to my stomach most mornings.

I have been praying so hard for God to give me a new job, but with no degree or experience, I am stuck. I have been in constant prayer, I've prayed over this lady's desk, I've laid hands on her chair, I've rebuked the devil every morning before I go into work, NOTHING. I have come to a point of just giving up. So I came home today, sick with anxiety and exhaustion and I got out my bible and I prayed harder than ever over this lady. I rebuked the devil so loud, I'm sure my neighbors thought I was a crazy woman.

After I was done I was reading a book my brother got for me and I came across this very same scripture (see above picture)  A peace came over me, as I was reminded of how I was desperately searching for something to say, and God took over with a simple bookmark that fell out of my bible 10 years ago. Who knows if what I said that day to those people ever made a difference, all I know is that I was obedient and now I must be obedient again and remain steadfast in my faith and in his promise, the very same one he had me tell those people about back then, holds very true to my circumstances now.

I don't know where God wants me in the long run. I don't even know if things will change where I am at, but I do know this is just a stepping stone for me. This job is not where God wants me to remain. 

Please pray for me as I go TDY to San Antonio in two weeks for training for my job. (Ironically enough, the headquarters for Human Resources is located in San Antonio;it's also Jose's home town) and who knows, maybe God will open a door there for me, or at least plant a seed for something for the future. I don't know, but I do know God is Sovereign. His plans are to give me hope not anxiety..I will keep following that promise until I get to where I am supposed to be.

Battle Cry

I felt you today God, when you woke me up with lungs full of air, waiting to take my first breath of the day that you made just for me.

 I saw you today Jesus, in the passenger seat of all the lost and hurting people that I pass going into work. They have no joy, no smiles cross their sleep filled faces, just sadness and weariness for the day that lies ahead.

I heard you God, while my co worker looked down on me, silently she screamed for love and acceptance, so a smile is what I gave as you reminded me that the meek will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

I waited for you God, when my strength and hope were running dry, you showed up with a reminder that Greater is he that is in ME than he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4

I saw you again Jesus in everyone that I passed in the hall today, everyone that stopped by my office, their faces forced to smile, their eyes screaming for help. They walked seemingly alone, never knowing of the savior that walked before them in every step they took.

I needed you God, when I heard something disheartening and discouraging, it gave me anxiety and made me angry. 1 Peter 5:7

I'm still wearing my armor God, the one I suit up with every morning before I leave the house. Ephesians 6:10-18

I felt you God as you confirmed through your word, that everything is going to be ok. Genesis 50:20

I'm waiting on you Father, as you revive my spirit, and renew my strength. Isaiah 40:31

I'm listening for you Jesus, for your command to tell me it's time to fly.

I'm ready God, to go into battle, suited up, and ready to fight. I cannot lose because no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Isaiah 54:17

Here I am God, I worship you as I sit here and revel in your sweet spirit. A peace has come over me, and I know that the battle is not over, but the WAR has been won.

You are my Revival, Jesus on you I wait. I'll lean on your promise. You will renew my strength.

-Lauren Daigle

Cloudy Days and Sunset Rays

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky."

-Rabrindranath Tagore

Today I woke up with hope. I looked out the window and it was a beautiful morning. I told myself, today is going to be a good day. But as the day wore on the sky quickly changed from beautiful and warm, to dark black clouds and a strong chilly wind. Along with it, so changed my mood. I was feeling depressed, hopeless, and numb. A continuation of my yesterday that I had hoped I could have slept off and started fresh. It wasn't so. After I cleaned the house, I crawled my depressed butt back into bed, I planned on staying there until I woke up tomorrow. 

But like he always does, God had other plans. I was just about to doze off when my husband came in and asked me to take a walk with him. So I begrudgingly did. After our walk we went out to eat some chinese and I told him a bit of how I was feeling. He asked me questions and he let me just talk. It really did help, but not quite enough to get me back to my normal self. I still had plans to come home after dinner and crawl into bed until morning.

As we were driving home, the sun was setting and it was beautiful. So I went upstairs to take a picture and to just stare in awe at the beautiful sky, when God spoke to me. He said, "can't you see without the clouds the sunset would not be as beautiful." And I, as always, was humbled. The dark clouds were still in the sky nearest me as they had been throughout the day. But in the distance where the sun was, the clouds lit up with colors from the sun despite them being so dark just moments before. Had I gone straight to bed like I had planned, I never would have heard God speak to me and I wouldn't be writing this blog for you to read.

Today was a bad day for me depression wise. It's been a bad month to be honest with you. But throughout all of it, God has always been there.  I hold on to my faith knowing that God WILL help me through it and when I finally emerge from my dark place, my "sunset" is always beautiful. I know I will always struggle with depression, there is no escaping this awful disease. But I refuse to become a victim of it and I fight every single day to not let it swallow me whole. I am a better person because of my dark clouds. I see things on a deeper level because of my depression. I can appreciate my good days more than the people that have only good days. I can empathize with people who also struggle with depression and in turn, find friendships that I never expected to happen. I can share my story of strength, and I can know the power of a simple smile and a hug. 

Maybe that's why I love sunsets so much. I feel so much peace in knowing that they are always God's sign to me that he is still there, and he is showing me his love and his promises even though I am in a very dark place. 

If you struggle with depression, come find me. We can watch the sunset together knowing that tomorrow will bring a new day, with new hopes and new revelations waiting to be discovered. We just have to take the time to be still and listen. 

My sunset, My promise, My hope in the MIDST of my dark clouds.
Thank you Father.