Dear God,
I know it's been a while since I've written. I've been enjoying conversing with you with my very heartbeat every day. It tells you things my mouth could never utter. It's been growing rapidly. Gaining wisdom with every devastating betrayal and every chasm of echoing pain caused by those I've done nothing to. I simply cannot comprehend the why's of it all, so I do the only thing I know how to do and I pray it is enough. I respond with love. For there is no use in asking why or dwelling in the depths of betrayal. You hold all of my tomorrow's and the answer is always you God. Jesus was love, your love, in human form. You sacrificed him for me. Love is the ultimate sacrifice, as Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. Love unconditional. Thank you for this journey Father. A hard one indeed, but the most rewarding one yet. Amen.
You see it hasn't always been this way for me. The following dialogue has been my year summed up in a few paragraphs.
Love unconditional. To say it's easy would be a lie. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ask me to move mountains God, and I'll toss them into the sea. Ask me to heal the sick Father, and illness they shall know no more. But ask me to love in the face of evil, betrayal, and gut wrenching pain alas my skin grows clammy from fear, my feet move in hesitation. I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Are you certain God? You must be mistaken. I could be wrong, but did you just ask me to love all of these wretched people? They couldn't possibly deserve to possess such a sacred part of me. Where is your wrath for them God? They have made me, your child, weep tears of anguish. Should they not suffer at your hand? The only true hand of justice? How can I possibly love them when my heart is full of pain? Can't you allow me to tend to my own wounds first?
GOD: It is not about you child. My love is more powerful than the evil that tries to tear you down. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.
Yes, Father I will obey.
In time, as I began to love those that had afflicted me with such sorrow, my own heart began to heal. My feet moved forward with assuredness. My skin felt aglow with life and vigor. My why's became non-existent and turned into, "I see now Father." Not my will, but yours." The more people hurt me, the harder I loved. The harder I loved, the more I could past their malice and into the brokenness. Brokenness just like mine. How alike we all are. They too had the choice in life to choose love or bitterness. They too have sat and wept their why's. I saw it in the way their eyes dared me to prove them right, that I was no different than anyone else that caused them pain. The only difference between them and I was I chose love and freedom and they chose to imprison themselves with the chains of bitterness.
Bitterness is blinding, and only love can restore sight. This much I have learned. If you ask me why I choose to love those we see as undeserving, it's because I've seen it's power, the miracles it performs, the restoration it gives and how it transforms us to our very core. I know because that person used to be me. Always seeking revenge, taking justice into my own hands. Simply because I could not understand the why. I've learned that it's not up to me to understand, it all comes down to obedience. Humble obedience. When God asked me to love, I thought he was going to change those who caused me pain. Instead he ended up changing me. Being on the other side now, I'm glad I stopped asking why and just said Yes, Father I will obey.
We all have a choice to make when people hurt us. I pray you are wise enough to choose love. It will change your life and transform you.
It gives a whole new meaning to the first few bars of amazing grace.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see."
I see because love restored my sight. The sight that bitterness stole from me.
I see now God, I see.
