Hey dad,
I miss you. I miss our jokes, our deep heart to hearts about life. I miss the way you always saw the best in people. Even Aunt Brenda. I miss the part of me that you brought out. The part of me who believed I could do and be anything I wanted. You left for work on the road and so did your light. That's when the demons came.
And I was left to survive in the shadows as only I knew how. People still underestimate me today you know. I appear sweet and innocent on the outside. And maybe that's the part you illuminated in me. But you're not here anymore and I haven't known the light in quite some time. I'm sorry to say the dark and I have become as intimate as lovers desperately clinging to one another at the prostpect of the whole world ending. And being intimate with the dark is still better than facing the end alone.
I have this desk now. In hopes I will be motivated enough to finally find the freedom that telling my story is supposed to bring. But I just feel grief at the moment. So much goddamn grief. The last time I had a desk, I was confined to my room to study while I listened to the laughter of everyone else in the living room bonding as a family. A constant reminder of how much I didn't belong. I was and will always be an outsider. And I think you felt the same way. Which is why you spent so much time away from home.
I realize what a big deal this new desk is now. I have someone who believes in me the way you always did. He bought this desk for me and I put it together all on my own. I choose the memories from here. This is my chance to make things new.
To change things for younger Melissa.
Abandoned Melissa.
She is seen now.
She is so fully loved and accepted.
Today is a new beginnning for her. I embrace her uniqueness. Her ability to feel into everyone and every situation so deeply and to respond with unconditional love and authenticity.
She is safe now to express herself. To love and BE LOVED! She is as worthy now as she has always been. Only now we recognize her and see her in all of her brokenness. We accept her as a whole human. Beautiful and worthy here and now. Simply because she has breath in her lungs and a heart that beats steady and strong despite the many times it has been broken.
I see her daddy.
I see her as you have always seen and loved her.
I pray you are always with us.
Your little girl forever,
Moe
