Tuesday, 24 June 2014
First off let me start by saying that I am the type of person that does "self evaluations" on myself constantly. I look for ways to improve who I am. Sometimes I learn the hard and painful way, sometimes I learn from watching other people, and sometimes I have people who come into my life that inspire me to no end. My enemies are the ones I watch. The ones that attack me for no reason and try to bring me down to their level. They teach me more about love than my actual friends. Because they are the ones that need it the most. I always feel sorry for those types of people, because it has to be a lonely world they live in hating themselves so much that they feel the need to destroy those around them just so they won't be lonely. Those are the ones that I never want to be like and in my "self evaluations" I am always asking myself my motives behind the negative and hurtful thoughts and words that I have. All because my enemies have shown me who I never want to become.
My family, now there's a complicated one. My family has given me good memories. Mostly bad, but the few good ones I have, I cling to them for hope every single day. It used to hurt me to think about them, about all of the good times. I would always wonder what happened to make us all hate each other. Where did our love for each other go? I would cry myself to sleep remembering all of the great times we used to have and wishing with all of my heart that we could be a family again. Sadly, this might not ever be because it never really was. I was just young and naive and any attention they gave to me, I saw that as a good memory even if it wasn't real. This is all another story for another time, so I will get to my point. My family has taught me how to be independent, how to not judge others so harshly just because they sin differently than I do. They've taught me loyalty, honesty, integrity, love, and most importantly they are the reason I know and love God the way I do. But they didn't teach me in the way you might think. I just watched them when they didn't know I was watching, I listened when they didn't know I could hear, It was in those moments I realized who I had to strive to never ever become. Lesson learned? God can always bring beauty from ashes. I am living proof.
Now on to my friends. Although I barely have just a handful, the ones I do have, have helped me grow as a person in more ways than I can count. They have shared their gifts of laughter, music, uninhibitidness (I don't think that's even a word, but just roll with it), honesty, and unconditional love with me. Some have and still inspire me on a weekly basis with their strength and wisdom. And some inspire me with their courage to just be happy no matter what others think of how they are living their life. They have shown me the beauty in the small things. The healing powers of laughter, the emotion stirring powers of music, my extreme love for the game of UNO, and the soul cleansing power of a good cry. Even if it is for no reason at all. My friends are my family. My friends are my reminder to stop taking life so seriously. And my friends are my constant in this ever changing world.
Last but not least, Mi Amor. My love, my heart, my very best friend. Jose Luis Garcia. The man that completely turned my world upside down and showed me that love is the best healer of all. He forced me (unknowingly) to be honest with myself. He challenges me to grow in God every day. He has shown me that I am stronger than I think I am. And he has inspired me to forgive. It has been a painful (for me) road at times to endure the truths that were always in my heart, but I was too scared to see because I wanted to be ignorant instead of feel the pain of the truth. But in my self discovery, Jose has been there the entire way. Helping me grow, helping me cope with the pain of my past, understanding when I wasn't ready to forgive, but rejoicing with me when I finally did. He keeps me on my toes with his quick wit, and he keeps me young with his innocent heart. Simply put, he is my everything.
LOVE IS...GROWING PAINS.
You have to love yourself enough to know you don't want to be like your enemies.
You have to love yourself in order to be strong enough to be REAL in a very fake world.
You have to love yourself enough to face the truth, even though it hurts, you know that it will help you more than the hurt.
But lastly, you have to love yourself enough to accept the kind of love you deserve. The kind that you were created for. The kind of love that Jesus died on the cross to give to all of us. The kind of love that inspires and transforms you into someone that you never knew you had the courage to be.
The kind of love that only comes from growing pains.