Friday, 8 August 2014

Just wait...wait, what?

At the end of every week I do my "self-evaluations." I think about everything that has happened during the week, the conversations I've had with people, the things I've been worrying about but have been too tired to really think about and assess, the impressions people have made on me, and the lessons that I have learned. I do this because I want to always be a better person in every way I can. My husband, is my inspiration.

Great things have been happening for me this year, but I have been feeling like I'm leaving my husband in my shadow at times as he is the one getting the short end of the stick. I have conveyed this to him, but all he keeps telling me is how proud of me he is, and that God will open doors for him when it's time. He has so much faith. He makes me want to have that much faith. Here recently though, I have been more angry and impatient than I usually am. Angry because I see bad people hurting my husband and him getting the shaft and I must sit here and helplessly let it happen. Again, I communicate my frustrations to my beloved and he always just tells me "pray mamacita, just pray."

So today as I got out of the car and my heart drove away to work, I go into the house and have a conversation with God. It goes a little something like this. ME: "Hey God, it's me again. You know I'm really tired of all of this (this meaning Jose's situation), I hate not knowing, I feel like I'm walking in the dark and it sucks!" You can imagine my surprise when I heard him talk back. It went a little something like this, GOD: "Why are you walking in the dark, when I am your light?" "Quit walking and just wait." ME: "Um, what??" "Wait?""But I DON'T WANNA! "Do you not see that this is a time sensitive situation here God?" "My very marriage depends on the outcome, I need you to do something now!" GOD: "Wait"

And that was the end of that conversation, although not the end of my internal struggle. So I continued moping around thinking of how I would like to handle the situation if I could and how I wish I could tell some people a thing or two if I had it my way! But I kept hearing God tell me to wait, then my favorite Bible verse popped into my head.

He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.


Isaiah 40:29-31

And it got me to thinking even more. (When you spend as much time alone as I do, you have A LOT of time to think) The weary will soar with wings like eagles, but how can you soar when you are weary? How can you walk and not faint? Because God said WAIT! WAIT on me, and when the time comes you will have the strength to soar! You will have the strength to walk, I will RENEW you while you wait! (I can't believe it has taken me THIS long to come to this realization) 

BAM! All anger was evaporated in that very minute of epiphany. If I keep my mind running with worry and scenarios that could happen, but might not ever happen, I make my soul weary. So when God says it's time to soar, I will be left behind watching my husband soar and I will stand there ashamed and broken down because I didn't WAIT. I didn't trust God enough to know his plans are bigger than my plans. I should know this by now. Waiting seems to be the theme of my very existence. Story of my life. So, wait I shall. Patiently, for as long as it takes. Being renewed in mind, body, and spirit. Because I stand on his promise, in his peace, with hope and faith, until he calls me to fly.