So just a preface for those reading. This post is going to be a little deep, so if you want a cheerful happy go lucky post, this isn't it. Maybe it's more for me than it is for anyone else....I don't know. All I know is I have to write.
SO HERE GOES NOTHING.....
I sit here nervously writing this, contemplating whether or not I should bare my soul like this. Being vulnerable, not really my thing. But I must move forward, I must grow.
(I have hit the backspace key about 100 times right now) Is it hot in here? Phew, ok here goes nothing for real this time!
My entire life I have struggled with depression. The technical word for my case is called dysthymia.
I was abandoned by my mother when I was born, used as a scapegoat by my family, lied to and used for a check that came in the mail once a month. My life has been anything but easy. I was confined to my room for most of my life only to be let out of my room during holidays and when any family came in from out of town. I used to think it was because I did something good. But after they left, back to my room I was sent. I didn't realize until I was older, (by the confirming from my out of town relatives) that my mom only did this so our relatives wouldn't see how awful she treated me. I was even locked in a closet when I was bad and I wasn't even 5 years old. I remember that and being locked in the bathroom in the dark (I used to be afraid of the toilet) and as punishment (again I wasn't even 5 years old) my mom locked me in the dark bathroom. There's so much more, but I don't have the time to write it all out...wouldn't do me any good anyway.
So, depression. It's a struggle. The hardest struggle I've ever had to go through. It comes out of the blue, it feels like someone takes over my mind and fills it with my past. The usual, you're a failure...your past is proof. You can't even be loved by your own flesh and blood. You can't even hold a marriage together (my first marriage with Tim, failed) you have no friends, you have no family, you are completely and utterly alone, useless, and it wouldn't even make a difference if you weren't here anymore.
Those are the thoughts that run through my head for no reason at all. And as hard as I try, I cannot escape them, after all they're right! But, I forget, there are always two sides to everything. The good AND the bad.
When my depression lifts (usually after a few days) I see the world through my Jesus's eyes. I was put on this earth for a purpose. So what if my family doesn't give two hoots about me! I have my husband who is my best friend, and his best friend (who shall remain nameless) who I have adopted into my heart as my brother, and they are all the family that I will ever need. They know that dark side of me, yet they love me unconditionally and vice versa. My first marriage didn't fail, it led me to my soul mate. Without Tim, I never would have moved to England, and I never would have found Jose. Failure, would have been to stay with someone who abused me, belittled me, was unfaithful to me the entire time we were married, starved me, (I got down to 90lbs) convinced me that I was nothing but a sex object for him to use whenever he wanted, even if I said no. I didn't fail, I found the strength to say enough is enough, I found the strength to walk away even if it meant into nothing. Having nothing (literally, I left ALL of my possessions behind) was so much better than living in hell.
And yes, I have friends. I may only be able to count them on one hand and see them at work, but they are the people who really care about me. The ones I look forward to seeing and laughing with every day. We don't hang out at all, but they show me they care in the little ways and that's all I ever wanted in a friend. (Ladies, if you read this I truly love you all from the very bottom of my heart. You save me in ways you will never know).
Now comes, the hard part. I am alone. I work days, Jose works nights. I have the weekends off, Jose works the weekends and has two days off during the week. I come home from work to an empty house, I go to bed alone. The weekends are long and the nights suck!!! I struggle with being alone. That's when the depressing voices start and into depression I sink.
Lately, I've been in a funk that has taken a while to get out of. My husband, being the understanding and wonderful man he is, let's me know everyday that he is praying for me and he loves me and he hopes that that will always be enough reason to fight this depression that overwhelms me at times. Well, it always is.
I came home today to a list of Bible verses my husband had written down for me. I looked them up, and as I got further and further down the list, I started hungrily searching for these verses he had written down. Each one, quenched my hunger and lifted me out of my depression. Finally, able to breath, I just sat on my couch and I cried...the kind of cry that just sounds like a wail, hardly any tears were shed really. I didn't know what else to do, but cry out to my Heavenly Father and say his name over and over until I was too weak to speak anymore.
I wept, out of shame, pain, relief, joy, and faith. Until finally he revealed to me, I am not alone. I am set apart! I am different because I have a purpose, a calling. I don't have many friends because I am SET APART! I AM NOT ALONE! I can't get over how wonderful I feel right now. I am amazed at how wonderful my FATHER is and how he works through my husband to get to me. Gracias a Dios! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God. I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!! Jose will always be Mi Angelito (my angel). always leading me back to my first love, to OUR first love.
Love is God, God is love!
I know my battle with depression will always be a lifelong battle, but thank God I am clothed in the armor of God. My feet are sodden with his word, and his promises for my life, to keep me pressing forward one step, one day at a time.