I have been experiencing this, this past year, but it all came to a head yesterday.
A funny thing happens when you are silent. You see less of yourself and more of others. People forget you are even in their presence when you don't talk, but they also fail to remember that you are watching them and in your silence, their true colors scream the loudest. My heart is broken because I thought I mattered, but I saw yesterday that I was nothing more than an obligation.
You see yesterday was my 28th birthday, something I don't broadcast because my theory is, if you can't celebrate me in my everyday life, then you certainly don't deserve to be in the know about my birthday and celebrate the one day that is mine and mine alone. If you know when my birthday is, then I consider you someone very special in my life that I want to celebrate my day with. Because I know you genuinely care. But I made the mistake of letting the wrong people know when my birthday was and they turned the day into a day about them and made me feel the most alone I have felt in a very long time. (and I've been alone pretty much my whole life)
I don't consider myself a selfish person, so I didn't think it was too much to ask that I get some recognition. But it was. Comments were made by these people like "Man I really don't want to be here" and "Ok, let's hurry up and get to the house so I can change out of these clothes." And happy birthday and all that junk. And they are the ones that offered to take me to dinner. There was no dessert, there was no singing of Happy Birthday, there was just complaining and rushing. My birthday dinner ended up in tears. Don't worry, none of it was Jose's doing. I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, because although I am quite hurt, I am ok. I am ok because it was the reality check I so desperately needed. I feel more empowered and more secure about who I am. I have come too far in my journey of self-discovery to have anyone detour me into thinking I am less than the extraordinary human being that I have fought so hard to become.
Pity party aside, I came home last night to the most beautiful sunset, with beautiful pinks and soft orange undertones, and light rays that reached out for miles. And I was gently reminded that I do matter, to the only one that will ever matter. And in my silence, he hears everything I never have to say. My Jesus, My Savior, My creator, and My confidant. I feel like God was saying Happy Birthday Melissa, I created this sunset just for you. The beauty that you see displayed in front of you is nothing compared to how beautiful you are to me my precious child. And while I watched the sunset, my husband wrapped his arms around me and sang Happy Birthday as tears of joy ran down my face. I was joyful to be so blessed to have ended the day with all the love in the world, in one small bedroom overlooking the west, all wrapped up in my best friend and my Jesus.
In the end, God had it right when he said this: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you."
She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called blessed. Proverbs 3:15-18
My Birthday Sunset
The love of my life