Recently, I had someone tell me that I am too much. I am too honest, too critical, too deep, too intense. And it's no wonder I couldn't hang on to friends. Yea, I was hurt but not surprised. This person (who will later be named) has always told me my entire life that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough. I will never be loved because of my past, God doesn't love me because I don't go to church, but if I dare go to church, O how they will judge you and God could never love you if you're not perfect. They magnified my flaws to my face, day in and day out, never letting me forget that I'm just not pretty enough. My boobs are too small, my butt is too big, and those hips, are dispraportionate to my tiny frame. You're ugly, you're awkward, you're weird. Why can't you just be more like your sisters Melissa? That's what they would always tell me.
As I got older, the insults and hurtful words got worse. You've sinned so much, you're too far away from God for him to ever reach you again, let alone hear your prayers. God doesn't listen to sinners when they pray. All this pain you're going through is your fault, remember who I told you you were when you were little, your own mother abandoned you, why would anyone else want to be in your life, you're pathetic for even trying. You were born with a disability, you'll never be smart enough to get through college, let alone make something of your life. You'll never be successful like your sisters.
Do you get the point yet? Ready for me to name that horrible person who traumatized me my entire life?
It was me.
You see although I have actually had someone tell me some of these things for most of my life, a lot of it is just me.
I bet you re-read through those two paragraphs just now and realized that you can relate. And I also hope that you are strong enough to tell that awful person to hush up, let me tell you a thing or two bud.
Yes I might be awkward, dispraportionate, too intense at times, and my story isn't a story of success in the worldly sense, but one of tiny accomplishments every day that I consider to amount to a successful day.
I've learned to embrace my flaws and differentiate between the lies I was told as a child, plus the lies I tell myself, and see myself for who God and my husband see me as. Perfectly imperfect.
I hate that I'm so clumsy. But my husband thinks it's just the most hilarious thing in the world. I've learned to laugh at my clumsiness now because, well, it actually is pretty funny. (seriously, I once cut my finger pretty badly with a spoon!)
I still look in the mirror some days and hate my reflection, but my husband looks at me and says, "with a little makeup, you'll get there." Ha, just kidding guys. Had to see if I still had an audience. Moving along.
**See what I did there? I put in something random and funny in the middle of a serious blog post! If that isn't awkward, I don't know what is. But did it make you laugh? I bet it did. If so, then you're the reason I can embrace my awkwardness. I still see my self as awkward but in a fun way. I've learned to be my awkward self and make people laugh, and I get a good chuckle out of it as well. I was once told that I should be a comedian. I told the lady, I am, that'll be $80 please! badum boom! Ok, sorry. I'll be serious now.**
My point is, you are your own worst critic and if you wouldn't want other people to say it about you, then certainly don't say it to yourself! Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. That to me includes my thoughts as well. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are nothing, not good enough, etc. then that is what we will become. But if we stomp on those lies and see the beauty in who God made us, then O the things we will accomplish.
There is no way I can fully love on Jesus but hate the body he put me in. That's like telling God, hey I know you created me in your image and all, but you're kinda ugly. God your nose is too big, you have way too much cellulite, and your feet are two different sizes! This is unacceptable, you must change to look like everyone else! I HIGHLY doubt we would dare tell God that, so WHY DO WE SAY THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES? (yes I am yelling at you!).
Just take a minute today and write down all of the things that you love about yourself and why. Not what you love that your husband loves about you, or your mom loves about you. Nope, write what YOU love about YOU. You may just be surprised.
-Melissa Out xoxoxoxo